Tuesday, March 08, 2005

intros and assholes

i feel like my first post needs to be all witty and make me sound super creative and literate, but it just isn't happening right now, so i might as well give a bio thingy:

- i am a first year med student at an osteopathic institution somehwere in the US. yes, yes, i know, i'll talk about it later.
- i am a girl.
- married, no kids.
- i like the brain and hello kitty.
- i also like tomatoes.

so i must start by asking a question: how much is too much information to tell a medical student? i am halfway through my second semester of med school, and i have had three people already ask me about their asses. i know a little about the booty, but not nearly as much as any doctor that actually is a doctor. why can't they ask one of them?

now i admit one was a family member, but that means two weren't. they were complete strangers, and after five minutes of knowing them, i also knew about their buttholes. the worst thing of all wasn't that they asked me about that area, it was that they didn't even buffer it with some questions about chest pain or swollen ankles. it was "hello, nice to meet you, i've got a question..."

random person #1: "i have a question, since you're gonna be a doc. i've got this thing on my ass.."
me, horrified: "um, on the butt cheek or by the anus?"
random person #1: "on the cheek. it's big and red and hurts like hell, and i have trouble sitting."
me: "sounds like it might be a boil or something. you'd better get it checked out"
random person #1: "i'm just embarrassed about going to the doctor about that kind of stuff."
me, in my head: "yet asking a med student you don't know at all is perfectly comfortable for you?!"

random person #2: "maybe you can help me- i've had some trouble...down there...with leaking"
me, wondering if i have "asshole expert" written on me somewhere: "urinary or bowel?"
person #2: "the last kind. and, it bleeds a lot."
me: "um, wow, like a lot of blood? is it dark or bright red?
random person#2: "bright red"
me: "ok, rectal bleeding is really never a good thing, especially with bowel incontinence, so why don't you get it checked out by your doctor?"
random person #2: "yeah, i should do that."

family member: "i need some medical advice"
me: "only if you promise to actually take it"
family member: "________ (her husband) has this hole in his ass."
me: "what? like an accessory hole?"
family member: "yeah. it occasionally drains and he says the stuff that comes out burns really bad"
me: "how long has he had this?"
family member: "well, since i met him, so 20 years.. it gets bigger all the time, and now he can stick his finger in it"
me: "what the fuck?! dude, he needs to ge that taken care of"
family member: "i have him soak in the bath, and it cleans it all out nicely."
me: "no, it doesn't. he has a fistula, and needs to have it sewn up. like, now."
family member: "sewn up surgically or something? oh, he's way too squeamish to have that done"

as an aside, i was surprised that fistulas aren't mentioned but casually in Robbins.


Post a Comment

<< Home